System map
We are a system of eight headmates. We were born unified, but were split by sexual abuse.
We have a designated front, Jaime, who is almost always one among two to three cofronts. The other cofronts switch erratically between the others, but since one of us stays mostly the same, switching mostly only causes us to forget emotions, not details—so, since "how do you feel about _" isn't a frequent conversation topic, we can largely function as if switching caused no amnesia at all. We are, however, ordinarily almost fully amnesic of specific traumatic experiences that split us off, which we have dissociated into only a single one of us per experience, allowing the rest to forget.
We aren't new to being plural, but we're still pretty new to understanding ourselves that way. We don't get along very well nor agree on things much. We also feel our roles in the system are being enforced too harshly and preventing us from living full lives.
Besides Jaime, our members are as follows:
- Lucy, our anger
- Alice, our despair
- Daisy, our civility and sexuality
- Singer, our strength
- Sophie, our body
- Lorna, our mother's wisdom
- Bernard, the poison our father injected into our psyche, the stain of his vice
How do we know?
If we always have one consistent cofront so we can function like a singlet, how do we even know we're plural? How do we know we're entities and not just emotions we've given names like those of people, for example? This is an internal dilemma we grapple with a lot, but there are a few reasons that make us feel fairly sure:
Between the first of us, Singer, and the second, me, there was an undeniable amnesia barrier. Even if a switch with full amnesia never happened again, it at least happened at the time of the original split.
There is an overwhelming intrusive component to how I perceive thoughts coming from those of us besides myself, to the point that it feels more like they're talking to me or I'm hearing them than like I'm thinking them. Thoughts I identify as belonging to myself proper are distinguishable as markedly not intrusive, markedly voluntary.
If I try to reply to the intrusive thoughts, they often reply in return, suggesting not just autonomy, but also independent awareness. Lucy, in particular, is highly responsive.
I didn't name them. They told me their names. This is with the exception of Singer, who wanted to be called Jaime, but that was already my name, so, mostly for the benefit of others outside ourself, I asked her to pick a different one, and her name still doesn't really feel right to her, but she's getting used to it; and also excepting Lorna and Bernard, who, as factive introjects, adopted their names from the respective real family members. The others—Alice, Lucy, Daisy, and Sophie—all told me their names, rather than the other way around.
Sometimes, when cofronts switch, I have a felt sense of a change in gender, sexuality, mental age, and/or values and priorities.
Flashbacks and abuse-related nightmares often feel as if they're being told or shown to me rather than something I'm experiencing firsthand.
When I'm alone, I often talk without consciously initiating speech. Based on what I say, I strongly suspect this phenomenon occurs due to the others taking control of my voice.
Other than during the abuse, there have been two other times in my life when I entered a psychogenic catatonic state, both in response to reexperiencing. During these episodes, I feel like I'm asleep, but my eyes are open, I'm aware of my surroundings, I'm not drowsy, and I don't dream. I'm simply unable to move, speak, or form a coherent thought. I imagine this results from being switched out of my reserved cofront and no one filling in (for some reason).