Singer-α
(Dissolved)
- Pronouns
- she/they
- Name origin
- Self-chosen last name shared with our mother to distance both of us from our respective abusers. The name didn't stick, but we have repurposed it as Singer's codename.
- Subjective age
- 12
- Favorite color
- Violet
- Favorite animal
- All of them
- Strengths
- Weaknesses
- Holds traumatic memories
- At the time, she held all of them, at least as far as we know. But they were already very close to broken off from her. So close that we managed to finish the job ourself. Not that I wanted to. I never meant to. Never.
- Holds stress response
- All of them
- Holds shameful behaviors
- All of them
- Holds learned skills
- Everything except what Sophie and Kate held
- Copes with shame
- Failed to cope
- Copes with fear
- Failed to cope
- Copes with grief
- Failed to cope
- Darkest thought
Ouch, stop that—*
- Formative belief
- That life was too hard to keep going and it would be better to just disappear into the darkness below like so many before her.
Around twenty years ago, Singer split me off from herself to handle daily life, and threw herself down into the abyss. Over the course of around ten years after that, she slowly fused with it, and eventually, since she had been our initial fronter and was as such the most capable candidate, she became its gestalt identity, forming Singer-α.
(To be clear, the abyss is not the whole system. It's the whole system except front space [I think]. Singer had been the fronter for the whole system before falling into the abyss, but once Singer-α was in the abyss, she was not any longer the gestalt identity of the whole system. Just the abyss. I was the fronter for the whole system moving forward from there. Singer-α just became the reigning princess of the land of things I didn't want to think about.)
Once Singer-α was answering for the abyss, she quickly figured out internal communication, since it is easier outward than inward. The abyss presented much more coherently, startlingly so actually, once it thought it was one person. But our relationship was highly volatile. I certainly didn't get anywhere in trying to understand what had happened, and probably only made everything worse. My callousness forced Singer-α into hiding, and, naturally, since the others were now part of her once again, they hid with her.
After nine more years of figuring things out down there on the back burner—bringing us to a year ago—Singer-α was willing to confront me again. That was when I fucked up bad. Since reestablishing contact, I had been hoping to work with her, show her love, and eventually be able to integrate her in her entirety. But I was impatient. In my haste, I failed to stay grounded during a flashback, lost control of myself, and attacked Singer-α within our mind, so viciously that I broke the entire abyss apart—that I broke Singer-α apart in her entirety. It was agony for her and I've slowly been feeling it myself bit by bit ever since.
Relations
- Lucy-α
- Lucy-α was a part within Singer-α. Specifically, Lucy-α drove Singer-α's outgoing internal communication (which is confusing to say no matter how you slice it, but basically what I mean is Lucy-α is who Singer-α was whenever she had to talk to Sophie or Kate).
- Lucy
- Lucy as we know her now was a part within Lucy-α and therefore a part within Singer-α. We don't know where Lucy as we know her now came from exactly. Could she have been Singer-α's inner strength?
- Penelope
- Penelope was within Lucy-α who was within Singer-α.
- Anabelle
- Anabelle was within Lucy-α who was within Singer-α.
- Daisy
- Daisy was a part within Singer-α. Specifically, he kept her tranquilized and daydreaming so she wouldn't break down. At least as long as he could. I don't really know what started happening toward the end that made her start acting up in the first place. I guess he couldn't do it anymore.
- May
- May was within Daisy, who was within Singer-α.
- Oliver
- Oliver was within Lucy-α who was within Singer-α. Singer-α held many wounds, but Oliver was her deepest.
- Oliver*
- Oliver* predated Singer-α. Once she was in charge, she would have no more of that in her domain. She saved him.
- Alice
- Alice was a part within Singer-α.
- Alice-II
- Alice-II was within Alice who was within Singer-α.
- Alice-III
- Alice-III was within Alice who was within Singer-α.
- Singer
- Singer was the part within Singer-α who carried her gestalt identity. In other words, once Singer-α existed, Singer was Singer-α.
- Kate
- I was either the only part left behind to try to understand what had gone wrong, or one of the two.
- Sophie
- It's unclear whether Sophie existed yet or not. She may have still been a part within me, but hanging on by a thread.
- Mom
- When our mother passed away, this introject of her became Singer-α's guide and protector. Wait a minute. Is that why so many of us consider Lucy's current incarnation "mom?" Is that where the mom inhabiting the stuffed rabbit went!? Had Mom the introject always actually been a covert part within Lucy-α, and just took on our actual mother's identity for awhile to support us when we needed it most, and now she has shed that identity and continues in the same role but under her original name?
- Dad
- I think Dad is the outer fabric of the abyss. Dad is the background noise. So, in a sense, he was part of Singer-α as well, but obviously not a part she liked very much. She said as much when she first spoke to me after her formation. I asked who the hell was talking to me in my head (because that had never happened before, at least not so clearly) and she told me she was me at every earlier age I'd ever been and somehow also my father all in one very uncomfortable person.
- Mom*
- Mom* is probably also part of the underlying fabric of the abyss, like Dad is.
- Dad*
- Same with Dad*.